Advice wanted about finding a wife, Montreal, 1911

Montreal Daily Star, 6 January 1911, page 8

 

ADVICE WANTED ABOUT FINDING A WIFE

 

The other day something was said on this page about the humours of the woman’s pages from across the line. Since then a letter has been received which shows that we too have our humorists, the letter is headed “Advice wanted about finding a wife free from worldly fashions.”  It is given without the slightest alteration.  The writer says his parents brought him up to read, but they evidently did not bring him up to spell.    However, that is a minor consideration while looking for a wife who shall combine all the virtues.  “Would you see fit” this Diogenus in search of an honest wife writes “to give me a little space in your paper to ventilate my views upon modern fashions and also use this means of asking for advise in regard to obtaining a life companion suitable”  satisfactory to a widower with such peculiar views as the writer.  First I must tell you how I became so strange and perhaps excentrical [sic].  My parents brought me up to read and believe a very old fashioned Book which counseled ladies not to trouble about their outward adorning but to be sure to adorn themselves inwardly with such ornaments as the meek and quiet spirit which is in the sigh t of the Lord of great price.  I do not want my prospective wife to take too much interest in the expensive and ever changing fashions.  I don’t want her to go or desire to frequently visit ‘vanity fair,’ which is kept up all the year round to study and buy their wares.  She would be ashamed of me and as I own but a small country farm would want a most economizing wife.  She must be a patient woman.  And [illegible] having little, to think she has [illegible].  She may have her clothes of good material made up in the plainest way and I think for summer I would like her to wear a nice plain hat like the Hornwrights wear, which is realy [sic] in its simplicity.  Now I do not know the names nor what the different parts are of a woman’s vain attire.  I think I know what corsets are.  If I mistake no they are woman-killers.  I once had a wife who had worn them and I am sorry to tell you I finally was obliged to bury her up in the ground.  I don’t think I want my second wife to wear corsets.”

There are three things to be said in reply to this man.  The first is, Give up all search for the paragon of a wife, more for her sake than your own.  Secondly, Do you think any one human being has a right to dictate to another what or what not she shall wear or how she shall live?  There is such a thing as personal responsibility.  The third is merely a comment: I am glad for the first wife’s sake that she is peacefully “buried up” in the peaceful ground.

AC.

 

Women and their Wealth, Montreal, 1911

Montreal Daily Star, 19 April 1911, page 8

 

WOMEN AND THEIR WEALTH

 

In the February Scribner’s there is one of the most interesting and suggestive papers on a phase of the woman problem, which has appeared for a long time.  It is entitled “Women and Wealth” and deals with the astounding increase of wealth and woman’s increased capacity for spending.  Written especially for the States, where tremendous fortunes are being piled up, it applies also toCanada, where huge fortunes are being made, and where the women are aping very largely the extravagant expenditure of American women.  I should very much  like to give the article in full, not only for the benefit of the wives of wealthy men, but also for the less wealthy, and even the quite poor, who copy, as far as they possibly can, the mode of life and way of dressing of their richer sisters.  Mr Laughlin divides the main portion of his discourse into eight heads.  The first of these deals with the basic reason for the enormous expenditure which is characteristic of this continent and this century.  Why does Mr So-and-so build a huge house?  His present house is sufficiently large and amply comfortable but he must needs a ‘palatial residence’, as the saying is.  Why does he do this, or why does his wife, as the wife is generally the one who insists upon such senseless waste?  It is to establish a sense of exclusiveness.  Such persons possess no other means of differentiating themselves from the herd except by unusual expenditure.  They seek to establish a counterfeit superiority on account of their wealth.  Next the author takes up that will-‘o’-the-wisp which so many countless women forever pursue- social position.  “In this pitiful social climbing,” Mr Laughlin writes, “in this devastating social rivalry, in which certain requirements have the force of tyrannical despotism, and in which character dwindles to unconscious imitation of what is supposed to be ‘the thing’, the quality of many well-to-do women is very plainly deteriorating.”  How often is this seen in our daily life!  A woman may be a very good, simple soul until her husband acquires wealth and then she often turns into an affected, supercilious thoroughly unpleasant character.  The next point touched upon is the lowering of the ethical standard which wealth entails.  How many persons struggling to get into society would have the courage to snub a man of known immoral life if he happened to possess a title or unusual social eminence.? This reacts upon the men.  “Tell me the ethical standard of the mothers and daughters and I will tell you in the main the ethical standards of the fathers and sons.”  Other points in this interesting article will be taken up later.  These form sufficient to ponder upon for a time, first the reason for extravagant expenditure, namely to establish a false superiority, secondly, the pitiful social climbing and thirdly, the lowering of the ethical standard.

AC

How to win a man, 1905

MontrealStandard

23 September 1905

Page 23

 

How to win a man

A new and startling theory advanced for the first time and presented for consideration of the young lady readers of the Standard.

 

It seems to be the fad, of late, for people to indulge in a great deal of speculation regarding the most successful methods by which a man may win a woman’s heart, said incidentally, her hand and money if she is fortunate enough to have any of the latter encumbrance.

Altogether a few wise, many foolish, and endless flippant things have been said and written; and yet the question remains about where it was taken up, and why?  Plainly, in one person’s mind at least, because people have perpetually been gazing into the wrong end  of the matrimonial telescope.  The question to be solved is not How can a man win a woman, but how can a woman win a man?

Of course the prude instantly whines out: “It isn’t a lady’s place to do the winning.  She should remain passive, and let the man seek her, court her, and finally carry her away.”  That idea died with the misnamed “Age of Chivalry” when a man, clad in more old iron than would establish a junk shop, rode out from his castle, seated on a horse, which, with its trappings would make a good pheonomenom for a modern third-rate circus.  In this attire, the knight, who generally couldn’t write enough to sign his own name, went forth to win his Lady Love.  And the Lady?  Oh, she lived cooped up in a neighbouring castle- not nearly so comfortable as a modern flat- and called it a prayer—and, on the whole, knew less about the world at large when sixty-five, than a girl today knows when she is ten.

World now change- women woo.

But let the theory of courtship stand as it may.  This fact remains—that, in at least six out of every ten successful marriages in this country, it could be shown, if careful investigation was made, that the Women wooed and won the man, quite as much as the Man wooed and won the Woman.

Of course, I have nothing to say about the “Love at first sight proposition” as it does not generally stand a second sight, and quite frequently the third night drives one, or both, to the kindly arms of the Divorce court.

Nor is this state of affairs either unreasonable, or undesirable.  Women have taken up in many lines what was once considered strictly men’s work: and have succeeded.  Why not take up the work which leads to woman’e highest earthly paradise—the task of finding and winning a suitable man?  (And it is foolishness to suppose that women have not already tried their hand at it)  there are three facts which would indicate that women should to the matrimonial choosing.

First—Women have a keener insight than men.

Second—Men are not so complex in motive or action as women, and therefore more easily analyzed.

And Third—Owing to man’s aggressiveness, a woman is given the opportunity to watch and take note.

The real question now arises, viz—How can a woman win the man of her choice?  For two reasons, I will consign my remarks to the winning of the college graduate.  In the first place, he is likely to rise to a higher worldly position than his less favored brother; and consequently is, generally speaking, better worth winning.  In the second place, he is so much harder to win, that a girl, who can handle the college graduate will have no difficulty with any other class of men.

This is an age of bluff

To a great extent, this is an age of bluff.  But I would say to the girl who has managed the not difficult task of getting an introduction to the college graduate, who she has desired to meet.  “Don’t bluff.”  It may succeed in attracting him for a little while, but very soon his well-trained intellect will strip you of all your bluff, and then he is gone, and gone for good.  Supposing now that you have met a certain gentleman in company a few times, you wish him to call on you.  Unless he is prompt to ask your leave, why! Ask him to come!  That’s all!  Prudes and old maids to the contrary, notwithstanding.

When once a gentleman begins to call regularly, you begin to study him carefully, analyze his character, and according as you find it out, make written notes after he has gone.  Very soon, you will know him through and through.  But that is only one side of your task, and the other is much more difficult.  Viz—how you should act towards the man so as not only to awaken his Love, but to mould his strong, but often faulty, character into something equally strong and much more beautiful.  To do either you must make yourself of practical value to him.  It might be advisable to mention a few Don’ts before stating what definitely to do.

Don’t be affected, either in speech, expression or carriage.  He only suffers it when it doesn’t disgust him.

Don’t pout or nag.  You may occasionally pretend to do so, but never do so seriously.  It always tends to make the man reticent.  He may have other lady friends; be sure to leave nagging and pouting to them, and you will soon have him all to yourself.

Don’t emphasize the capital “L”  Leave him to find out what you are and who you are.  Depend upon it, he will find out your good qualities if you have any, and if your mother or sister is nice, he will find out that as well.  And when a man praises, he generally does so with a vigorousness, which amply repays a woman for refraining from “Blowing her own horn.”

But the things to do are, after all, of much more importance than the things not to do.  And your success will depend much more on what you say, and do, than what you refrain from saying and doing.

The value of little things.

Remember the value of little things. Men take more notice of trifles that we generally suppose.  If your gentleman friend says something nice about the way you have your hair dressed, you can depend upon it, that he is not saying a polite commonplace, which means nothing but he actually likes to see your hair in that particular shape.  If you are wise, you will often wear your tresses in that particular form.  Again, be particular about your language, pick up expressive words which he uses – of course, don’t make yourself rude by repeating whole phrases after him.  In that way your ideas will be exceptionally intelligible to him.  Then, as regards candies and fruit, don’t leave it all to him.  If you can make good candy do so, and your labor will not be lost.  He will enjoy eating a piece of your candy much more than you imagine.  The same, of course, applies to cake and fruit.

Another point worth noting is, be bright.  The modern man—worth winning—is a worker.  He is engaged day after day in trying and wearing tasks.  With his lady friend, he longs to throw off the cold reserve, inside which he battles his way upward in the world.

The girl who can treat a man to a merry laugh, or a light-hearted song, has nothing to fear from the greatest pouting beauty on Earth.

Many women, who could easily have been married and living happily with men of the very first order, are now old maids, simply because they either didn’t choose, or were unable to cultivate the quality of “Sweet Reasonableness”  I have known women who had some sort of an idea that they should never “Give in” to a man, no matter whether they were right or wrong.  I have also known women who would ask their gentlemen friends to do the most unreasonable and the most trifling, and the most foolish things imaginable, just to see how much power they possessed over them.  If they could only see how that very power was slipping through their fingers at that very time, they would be feeling far from proud.  When a man asks you a reasonable question, answer him as reasonably as you can.  If you want him to do anything for you always give him your reasons, and never, never say “It is just because I want you to do that.”  If he begins to argue a point with you, quietly bring forward your side of the case—never try to bully—and should, you see that he is in the right, acknowledge the fact at once.  Any form of obstinancy or pigheadedness is only suitable in the mind of the ancient lady who sips her tea alone.

Hours of Depression and gloom.

And, lastly, always maintain a high and sane moral life.  Remember that you are dealing with a sensitive being with an inward longing that outward show cannot satisfy.  No man, however cold and cynical the set of his lips or the glint of his eyes may be, is without his hours of depression and gloom; the hours when the soft touch of which only a woman can give, may mean the Rock of Salvation to him.  If your young man calls to see you (as he will sooner or later) in a state of mental or bodily pain, don’t worry him by rattling along about either your pleasures or your troubles.  Take his head on your shoulder, put your arms around his neck, smooth back his hair—and don’t let any stupid ideas of propriety mislead you—kiss him.  Kiss him, too, as if you meant it—not a cold, formal touch.  You are winning him as you could never win him otherwise.  You are at the same time building him a new character, and he will richly repay you some day.

The girl who says, “If a young man wants me, he will have to come and get me: I’m above trying to find and win a man”—and many girls are imbued with that doctrine—that girl is not worth the time a genuine man would spend in finding her, much less winning her.  What is worth having, is worth hustling for.  Man wins his laurels nowadays by forcing his way through difficulties, and not by sitting down and waiting until some beneficent spirit places the crown upon his sleepy brow.  And the woman who would make for herself a home—one worthy of the name—and spend her life enveloped in the Love of the Strong Soul of a man, purehearted and vigorous-minded, must be willing to get out and hustle.

Louisa Bell

 

[The sentiments contained in this article seemed at first somewhat revolutionary for Conservative old Montreal, but, upon reflection, the contribution seemed to contain a good many kernels of truth.  The Editor publishes it, hoping that some of the young lady readers of the Standard may pronounce upon the sentiments contained therein.—Ed Standard]

 

Why men don’t marry- another opionion, 1905

Montreal Standard,

30 September 1905, page 11

Why young men do not marry.

Argued that Young Ladies of to-day are too independent.

The young mechanic is very shy at attempting the married state.

Conceit and self-importance are charged up to fair sex.

Marriageable girls too much of ladies to look after man and home.

It is becoming more and more evident to those who study social questions that the average young working and business man is less inclined to enter the matrimonial state than were those of previous generations.

The reasons for this are many and varied; not the least important being the “independence” of present day women wage-earners.

To those of the fair sex employed as stenographers this term may seem offensive, but, notwithstanding, they are every bit as amenable to the law of price and demand in the labour market.  Their sisters employed in mills and factories.  With the ever broadening field for women’s effort, there has developed a corresponding amount of new conceit and self importance entirely out of keeping with their place in society ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Performance of those functions that are naturally and essentially woman’s.

The young and respectable mechanic, no matter how much he may desire to become a benedict, is restrained by the knowledge that the majority of young women employed in industrial and commercial occupations are too much of ladies to want to devote the whole of their time to caring for a home, that is, without all those advantages and luxuries common to the irch and well-to-do.

He views with dismay the prospect of trying to satisfy the special and sartorial needs of one of the young women whom he is accustomed to meet at parties and social affairs.

When he commences to figure out how far his limited earnings will go towards keeping up an establishment of the kind demanded by most of our modern independent young ladies, he despairs of every being able to ~~~ a home ~~~~~

 [rest of article illegible- but you get the picture!]

Why men shirk matrimony…an opinion, 1905

Montreal Standard, 30 September 1905, page 11

Why do men shirk matrimony?

Claimed Higher Education is to Blame.

Girls must come to their senses.

Too many embarrassing ceremonies.

Very few domesticated women.

Man detests a masculine woman.

Timid men scared at terrors of the altar.

The reason why so many men remain single is surely quite obvious, namely, the lack of domesticity in women of the present generation.

Higher education of women is one of the main causes for many a man not marrying.  He desires that his wife should be satisfied to be a power only in her own home, and to be a good mother to his children; and if he cannot obtain this, he remains single.

Why are bachelors on the increase?  Is the prevailing feminine cry, and the reply is: there are at the present time, such a scarcity of domesticated women, and a man is, consequently, somewhat loath to give up his freedom and perhaps his friends, for a woman who could not make a comfortable home for him.

A bachelor may have his club, but he has no home, for it is a woman that makes a home, and not a man.  Lots of men will remain single, and the cry of too many bachelors will continue until girls come to their sense and understand that their duty in this life lies with their home, and not to increase the already overflowing professions, which make women hardened and unsexes them.  If there is anything an average man detests more than another, is the woman who adopts masculine ways and manners.  A man wants for his wife a womanly woman, he can get the companionship of a many any time.

Another reason that so many men shirk marriage is the embarrassing ceremonies to be gone through before he becomes a married man.  I would make a heavy wager that if it was only a legal formality to be gone through, with only one witness, the number of men remaining single  would be cut down by one-half.  Not, by any means should I advocate the withdrawl of the ecclesiastical portion of the ceremony, but it should be simpler in character, and less public.  The dread of walking down the church with hundreds of people watching his movements, has kept many a timid man from popping the question.

The last defence of the so-called shirkers, is the lack of encouragement he gets from his fortunate or unfortunate friends, Smith and Jones, who, invariably, slap him on the back and call him “lucky dog” and look at him enviously, and talk of the good times they use to have when they were bachelors, and were then free and happy to do as

Used to have when they were bachelors, who may have perhaps had some intention of marrying, goes to his club, and thinks how lucky he is; didn’t Jones and Brown say so, and accordingly, makes a firm resolve to steer clear of the fair sex in the future, and vows eternal celibacy.

ONE WHO KNOWS.

Why men don’t marry, 1891

Montreal Daily Star, 31 October 1891, page 9

Why men don’t marry

It is a favorite excuse with non-marrying men, says Annie S Swan, that they cannot ask girls reared in luxury to share a moderate income, which would entail a certain sacrifice on their part. At first sight this appears a very manly and unselfish excuse, but when we come to analyze it we find that it is capable of two readings; and that there is behind it also a selfish reluctance to share what appears little more than sufficient for the proper maintenance of one. They say, too, that the girl of the present day won’t do it; that she marries the fine establishment and the position, without taking much account of the accompanying man; but while I admit that some instances justify this objection being raised, I cannot allow such a wholesale libel on my sex. Given love, without which marriage is a failure, the majority of women would willingly sacrifice something and find happiness in the humbler home her presence glorifies. Is not sacrifice Love’s Crown? I am thinking at this moment, as is perhaps natural, of a young pair, who some years ago braved the dismal prognostications of certain wise acres, and ventured on the sea of matrimony with very little wealth besides true hearts, good health and willing hands, and who, having survived the ordeal, find life to-day fuller and sweeter than most. These years have held a great deal of hard work, of deep anxiety, and not a few cares; but faith and love failed not, and with these two weapons the hardest battle was won.

Cartoon, Montreal, 1886

Cartoon, Montreal Daily Star, 30 Oct. 1886.